Dating For Single Parents

Important Points To Remmeber In Relationships

Yes this is rather exaggerated, however it demonstrates the idea that as professionals in the field of therapy, we often seek complex theories, techniques, and strategies to more effectively treat our consumers. A large amount of our precious time is spent seeking new theories and techniques to treat clients; evidence for this statement is shown by the thousands of theories and techniques that have been created to treat clients seeking therapy.

The fact that theories are being created and the field is growing is absolutely magnificent; however we may be searching for something that has always been right under our nose. Clinicians often enjoy analyzing and making things more intricate that they actually are; when in reality what works is rather simple. This basic and uncomplicated ingredient for successful therapy is what will be explored in this article. This ingredient is termed the therapeutic relationship. Some readers may agree and some may disagree, however the challenge is to be open minded and remember the consequences of “contempt prior to investigation”.

Any successful therapy is grounded in a continuous strong, genuine therapeutic relationship or more simply put by Rogers, the “Helping Relationship”. Without being skilled in this relationship, no techniques are likely to be effective. You are free to learn, study, research and labor over CBT, DBT, EMDR, RET, and ECT as well as attending infinite trainings on these and many other techniques, although without mastering the art and science of building a therapeutic relationship with your client, therapy will not be effective. You can even choose to spend thousands of dollars on a PhD, PsyD, Ed.D, and other advanced degrees, which are not being put down, however if you deny the vital importance of the helping relationship you will again be unsuccessful. Rogers brilliantly articulated this point when he said, “Intellectual training and the acquiring of information has, I believe many valuable results–but, becoming a therapist is not one of those results (1957).”

This author will attempt to articulate what the therapeutic relationship involves; questions clinicians can ask themselves concerning the therapeutic relationship, as well as some empirical literature that supports the importance of the therapeutic relationship. Please note that therapeutic relationship, therapeutic alliance, and helping relationship will be used interchangeably throughout this article.

Characteristic of the Therapeutic Relationship

The therapeutic relationship has several characteristics; however the most vital will be presented in this article. The characteristics may appear to be simple and basic knowledge, although the constant practice and integration of these characteristic need to be the focus of every client that enters therapy. The therapeutic relationship forms the foundation for treatment as well as large part of successful outcome. Without the helping relationship being the number one priority in the treatment process, clinicians are doing a great disservice to clients as well as to the field of therapy as a whole.

The following discussion will be based on the incredible work of Carl Rogers concerning the helping relationship. There is no other psychologist to turn to when discussing this subject, than Dr. Rogers himself. His extensive work gave us a foundation for successful therapy, no matter what theory or theories a clinician practices. Without Dr. Rogers outstanding work, successful therapy would not be possible.

Rogers defines a helping relationship as , ” a relationship in which one of the participants intends that there should come about , in one or both parties, more appreciation of, more expression of, more functional use of the latent inner resources of the individual ( 1961).” There are three characteristics that will be presented that Rogers states are essential and sufficient for therapeutic change as well as being vital aspects of the therapeutic relationship (1957). In addition to these three characteristics, this author has added two final characteristic that appear to be effective in a helping relationship.

1. Therapist’s genuineness within the helping relationship. Rogers discussed the vital importance of the clinician to “freely and deeply” be himself. The clinician needs to be a “real” human being. Not an all knowing, all powerful, rigid, and controlling figure. A real human being with real thoughts, real feelings, and real problems (1957). All facades should be left out of the therapeutic environment. The clinician must be aware and have insight into him or herself. It is important to seek out help from colleagues and appropriate supervision to develop this awareness and insight. This specific characteristic fosters trust in the helping relationship. One of the easiest ways to develop conflict in the relationship is to have a “better than” attitude when working with a particular client.

2. Unconditional positive regard. This aspect of the relationship involves experiencing a warm acceptance of each aspect of the clients experience as being a part of the client. There are no conditions put on accepting the client as who they are. The clinician needs to care for the client as who they are as a unique individual. One thing often seen in therapy is the treatment of the diagnosis or a specific problem. Clinicians need to treat the individual not a diagnostic label. It is imperative to accept the client for who they are and where they are at in their life. Remember diagnoses are not real entities, however individual human beings are.

3. Empathy. This is a basic therapeutic aspect that has been taught to clinicians over and over again, however it is vital to be able to practice and understand this concept. An accurate empathetic understanding of the client’s awareness of his own experience is crucial to the helping relationship. It is essential to have the ability to enter the clients “private world” and understand their thoughts and feelings without judging these (Rogers, 1957).

4. Shared agreement on goals in therapy. Galileo once stated, “You cannot teach a man anything, you can just help him to find it within himself.” In therapy clinicians must develop goals that the client would like to work on rather than dictate or impose goals on the client. When clinicians have their own agenda and do not cooperate with the client, this can cause resistance and a separation in the helping relationship (Roes, 2002). The fact is that a client that is forced or mandated to work on something he has no interest in changing, may be compliant for the present time; however these changes will not be internalized. Just think of yourself in your personal life. If you are forced or coerced to work on something you have no interest in, how much passion or energy will you put into it and how much respect will you have for the person doing the coercing. You may complete the goal; however you will not remember or internalize much involved in the process.

5. Integrate humor in the relationship. In this authors own clinical experience throughout the years, one thing that has helped to establish a strong therapeutic relationship with clients is the integration of humor in the therapy process. It appears to teach clients to laugh at themselves without taking life and themselves too serious. It also allows them to see the therapist as a down to earth human being with a sense of humor. Humor is an excellent coping skill and is extremely healthy to the mind, body, and spirit. Try laughing with your clients. It will have a profound effect on the relationship as well as in your own personal life.

Before delving into the empirical literature concerning this topic, it is important to present some questions that Rogers recommends (1961) asking yourself as a clinician concerning the development of a helping relationship. These questions should be explored often and reflected upon as a normal routine in your clinical practice. They will help the clinician grow and continue to work at developing the expertise needed to create a strong therapeutic relationship and in turn the successful practice of therapy.

1. Can I be in some way which will be perceived by the client as trustworthy, dependable, or consistent in some deep sense?

2. Can I be real? This involves being aware of thoughts and feelings and being honest with yourself concerning these thoughts and feelings. Can I be who I am? Clinicians must accept themselves before they can be real and accepted by clients.

3. Can I let myself experience positive attitudes toward my client – for example warmth, caring, respect) without fearing these? Often times clinicians distance themselves and write it off as a “professional” attitude; however this creates an impersonal relationship. Can I remember that I am treating a human being, just like myself?

4. Can I give the client the freedom to be who they are?

5. Can I be separate from the client and not foster a dependent relationship?

6. Can I step into the client’s private world so deeply that I lose all desire to evaluate or judge it?

7. Can I receive this client as he is? Can I accept him or her completely and communicate this acceptance?

8. Can I possess a non-judgmental attitude when dealing with this client?

9. Can I meet this individual as a person who is becoming, or will I be bound by his past or my past?

Empirical Literature

There are obviously too many empirical studies in this area to discuss in this or any brief article, however this author would like to present a summary of the studies throughout the years and what has been concluded.

Horvath and Symonds (1991) conducted a Meta analysis of 24 studies which maintained high design standards, experienced therapists, and clinically valid settings. They found an effect size of .26 and concluded that the working alliance was a relatively robust variable linking therapy process to outcomes. The relationship and outcomes did not appear to be a function of type of therapy practiced or length of treatment.

Another review conducted by Lambert and Barley (2001), from Brigham Young University summarized over one hundred studies concerning the therapeutic relationship and psychotherapy outcome. They focused on four areas that influenced client outcome; these were extra therapeutic factors, expectancy effects, specific therapy techniques, and common factors/therapeutic relationship factors. Within these 100 studies they averaged the size of contribution that each predictor made to outcome. They found that 40% of the variance was due to outside factors, 15% to expectancy effects, 15% to specific therapy techniques, and 30% of variance was predicted by the therapeutic relationship/common factors. Lambert and Barley (2001) concluded that, “Improvement in psychotherapy may best be accomplished by learning to improve ones ability to relate to clients and tailoring that relationship to individual clients.”

One more important addition to these studies is a review of over 2000 process-outcomes studies conducted by Orlinsky, Grave, and Parks (1994), which identified several therapist variables and behaviors that consistently demonstrated to have a positive impact on treatment outcome. These variables included therapist credibility, skill, empathic understanding, affirmation of the client, as well as the ability to engage the client and focus on the client’s issues and emotions.

Finally, this author would like to mention an interesting statement made by Schore (1996). Schore suggests “that experiences in the therapeutic relationship are encoded as implicit memory, often effecting change with the synaptic connections of that memory system with regard to bonding and attachment. Attention to this relationship with some clients will help transform negative implicit memories of relationships by creating a new encoding of a positive experience of attachment.” This suggestion is a topic for a whole other article, however what this suggests is that the therapeutic relationship may create or recreate the ability for clients to bond or develop attachments in future relationships.

Read my latest articles on When You Kiss the One You Love and do check out my website for my other relationships tips .

Tags: Advice, Children, counselling, Dating, family, Parenting, Relationship

Advice for Dating Someone with Children

If looking for good advice for dating someone with children, you’ve got a difficult task ahead of you. Relationships are complex on their own, but adding children to the mix can make things a good deal more complicated.

A lot of people avoid potential dates with children and single parents are often quite nervous about dating. The emotions of everyone involved, including the children, must be considered.

Do not rush to meet your date’s children, but do not avoid it either. Generally, you should focus on developing a relationship with your love interest first before taking the step of becoming involved, even briefly, with the children. If the relationship only lasts a brief time, it can be confusing and upsetting for the children when you are close with their parent and then suddenly are no longer around.

Once you have met the children and become involved in their life, it is essential to consideration the situation and the children’s feelings. It is a good idea to discuss what your partner may expect of you in relation to their children. Some people may be looking for you to be a parental figure, while others may explicitly discourage you from trying to take such a role. Remember that while you are now dating their mother or father, they still have another parent and it is important that expectations are clear between you and their parent. If you both do not have a clear expectation, it may be very bewildering for the children.

It is vital to build a good relationship with the children as you move into a commitment with their mother or father. Be careful as some children may resent your presence, feeling as though you are trying to replace their other parent. This can cause children to lash out in mean, hurtful and angry ways. You and your partner need to be understanding and help the children adjust to your relationship. It can be very helpful to have a “family pow-wow”, sitting down with your lover and their children to discuss roles, boundaries and expectations. This helps the children feel engaged, giving them a sense of control and input into the situation.

If you know a single parent, it may be invaluable to get that friend’s advice for dating someone with children. They know better than anyone that pitfalls and problems that may arise in such situations. Most importantly, they can provide a clear view of the “other side” for you, which will help you be more understanding and sensitive to the needs of your partner and their children.

After you have developed a good relationship with the children, it is important to keep working on the relationship between you and their parent. With time, the difficulties will fade and you together act more and more like a “true” family. Dating a single parent can be difficult at times, but very rewarding. Keep this advice on dating someone with children in mind and it will help ease any difficulties, leading to a happy relationship and happy family.

Originally posted 2009-11-20 17:36:26. Republished by Old Post Promoter

Tags: Advice, Children, Dating, someone

Is there a dating site for single parents of handicapped children?

Originally posted 2009-11-25 10:02:31. Republished by Old Post Promoter

Tags: Children, Dating, handicapped, parents, single, Site, there

Dating After Divorce Having Children

No matter how your own life will go after separation with your ex spouse, the most precious and fragile thing left with you is your children. They need to be taken care of under any circumstances. They need to be protected from another possible emotional shock in their young lives.
That’s why before considering starting to date again after divorce, one should very carefully think about this, taking into account children’s interests and protection.

Let’s talk about where are your children emotionally after the divorce of their parents, what are their fears, expectations, hopes.
What you need to do to help them grow healthy after this painful experience and protect them from another possible stress.

Generally, after divorce of their parents, children are either distressed or angry. They are not so experienced yet to hide or to kill sincere feelings inside, so you can see and tell by your child how he feels.

However, quiet children require more attention – they respond to adversity by withdrawing emotionally or freezing. These quiet children may be more distressed, and need help more, than children whose emotional upset is obvious.

Children look for protection, unknowingly seeking help in you. So, this period, right after divorce, might be crucial for all future relationships between you and your child. From your behavior and level of attention you grant to your child right now, will depend how he or she feels, and what kind of personality will be grown into.

Though, you need to take care of yourself first, and stabilize your own emotional conditions. Your children need to see and hear you self-confident and full of life. And this is the best motivation for you to arrive there – your own children need it. I recall a comparison, which I’ve read somewhere – first rule of safety on airplane’s board is: put oxygen mask on your face first, otherwise you will not be able to help your child. I think it’s very true.
They might look not listening, but they do see everything. Your behavior, your actions, voice, emotions, literally everything – is a model your children will most likely adopt and follow.

You should be aware, that children most often feel either guilt for divorce of their parents and fear of loosing a second parent.
This is the time you need to be a very special in attention. Despite the fact you’re busy with your job, a new match, busy with your own feelings – find special time for you children. They must feel loved and special like never before.

Never give promises to your children not to date anymore. You can’t guarantee it to yourself, don’t cheat, even if you’re not going to. Keeping your promises lets your child know that he or she can trust you, which will help him or her adjust to your divorce more easily.

Open communication with your children is always the best you can do. Talk wisely, talk with love, at the same time do not let your children to command you where to go.
You need to start a new life for the sake of them.

When you are ready, you are about to start dating again and begin new relationships. There are several short advices as how to proceed with new dating. We discuss all those dating after divorce related topics at http://healthwisenews.com more detailed.

Before you start dating again try to “socialize” your kid. Spend more time with friends, in good company, so when you start dating your children won’t feel that your date is taking their time with you, but just a normal time going out.

Let you children know that their relationship with you will not change because you are beginning to date. Being secured and assured in their relationship with you, they are less likely to feel afraid.

Spend as much time with your kids as you can. Spend this time both by yourself and with your new partner. It will tell your kids they are important and that you are paying attention to their needs.

Listen to your kids. Let them express their thoughts and impressions of your new date. It is not only good for them to feel important to you but you can also surprisingly find out some very interesting things about your new partner. A childs view is free from “adult wisdom”, they see things as they are. And this can be very helpful. Just listen to your kids.

Do not criticize your children in the presence of your new partner. And don’t allow your date to discipline your kids. Otherwise kids will realize somebody more important came into your life. They will not feel secure.

Don’t introduce casual dating partners to your children. Children become attached easily and then suffer more loss. Having a revolving door with many short term relationships in your child’s life causes ambivalence. Think which model your child will follow when they grow up.

Do not force an introduction of your new partner. If you have already decided they are the right person, do not force your children to meet or accept them. Give them time to get to know the new person in your life. If handled correctly, given time, your child will accept the relationship.

Being single with children is often challenging and exhausting. Another set of challenges appears when it comes to dating. It’s easy to be confused as to how to parent and date at the same time. Communication with your child is always the goal no matter the situation.

Originally posted 2009-12-02 14:13:23. Republished by Old Post Promoter

Tags: After, Children, Dating, Divorce, Having

Travel Insurance When Pregnant Or Traveling With Children

There was a time when pregnant women would avoid traveling altogether, but these days women don’t let pregnancy stop them from going abroad and having fun. Only you can decide whether the pros outweigh the cons when traveling while pregnant or with small children.

As a general rule, travel insurance policies will not cover a woman who is expecting delivery of a baby within 14 weeks of the expiration date of a single trip policy, or within 14 weeks of the return date of a trip for a multiple trip policy. As with most types of insurance, there will be an excess to pay in the event you have to make a claim.

Some travel insurance policies will cover children for free as long as they are accompanied by an adult who has paid for their insurance and they are all listed on the same policy. If a multi trip policy is purchased on an annual basis then children may be able to travel independently of the adults.

Medical disclosure is of great importance when purchasing travel insurance. You should be asked a set of question which might include:

Are you traveling against the advice of a doctor or medical specialist? Are you traveling abroad to obtain medical treatment?

Are you on a waiting list for a procedure?

Awaiting results of tests?

Do you have ongoing treatment for a condition?

Have you received a terminal prognosis?

They also need to know if you have ever been diagnosed with diseases such as cancer, heart or lung disease or high blood pressure. Note that disclosure also includes depression, anxiety and psychiatric illnesses. It is vital that you are totally honest otherwise any claims you may have to make could be invalidated. That’s the last thing you’ll need!

It’s a good idea to apply for the European Health Insurance Card (EHIC) well in advance of your travel to destinations in Europe. The application forms are available at your Post Office (if you still have one) or apply online or by phone. However, please be aware that the EHIC is not a substitute for purchasing travel insurance – it should be in addition!

If you think it’s a good idea to leave the pushchair at home, think again. A lightweight pushchair can be a life saver if there should be delays or problems. Most airlines will carry them for free and allow them to be used all the way through to boarding. Carry cots are not always allowed so it’s best to check ahead with the airline. Most airlines provide a sky cot if you book in advance. The bulkhead seats on the plane are the best choice if you have a baby or small children as there’s more space and you’ll have less impact on your neighboring passengers!

The need for travel items and accessories for babies and children has created a whole industry of specialist companies. You can pick up some useful tips from them and purchase items which will make traveling easier for everyone. A few good ideas are insect nets and sunshades for push chairs; extra absorbent nappies which are designed for night time and last longer on journeys (don’t forget nappy sacks). Sunburn and sun damage are very real dangers, especially so for children. Avoid this by keeping children out of the sun if possible, use high SPF sunscreens, SPF protective clothing and sun hats. Pick up some child-safe insect repellents too – many nasty diseases are contracted through insect stings and bites.

Once you get to your destination have you thought about how you’ll handle babysitting problems or find a way to get away on your own without the children? Many resorts have babysitting services, but after the awful experience of the McCann’s in Portugal and the still-unsolved mystery of their missing Madeleine, many parents will think twice about letting the children out of their sight at all.

You might consider purchasing a monitoring device to keep an eye on your sleeping kids via your mobile phone while you go down to the hotel restaurant to eat or have a drink.

One way to avoid losing toddlers is to fit them with a wrist band with your mobile phone number written on it. This could save a lot of time and heartache and reunite you with lost children quickly. How many times have you lost track of young children at the beach? It can be hard to locate them amongst the crowds. A small child is not going to be much help to a stranger or the authorities who are trying to identify the child by providing an address or phone number, so a wristband could be a huge help.

An internet search of related websites and forums for traveling with children will be helpful and provide you with useful information and tips from other parents. There are even companies that will ship baby supplies to your destination for you. If it seems an unnecessary expense, consider what you might have to pay to purchase those items once you reach your holiday destination.

There are a million things that can go wrong while traveling, but with a little forethought, research and preparation before you leave home you can avoid many problems. For instance, read up on your destination country and know ahead of time whether you need vaccinations, whether the water will be safe to drink, and which foods to avoid. If in doubt, don’t forget the basic rule: Peel it, Cook, it, Boil it, or Forget it!

Your priority is to keep yourselves and your children safe and enjoy your holiday – and avoid any need to have to make a claim on your travel insurance. So, is travel insurance necessary? It’s not a choice your children have to make so it’s up to you. If you purchase it you probably won’t need it – but would you want to take that chance?

Originally posted 2009-12-13 09:58:15. Republished by Old Post Promoter

Tags: Children, Insurance, Pregnant, travel, Traveling

Single Teenage Parenting – Tackling of Children Emotions as Single Parent

Each child is unique and responds in a different manner in different situations. Single parenting deeply effects their emotions, so it is the duty of all parents to act in a way, which is better for the future of our kids. The idea is to act and not to react. So lets find out how the life of our off springs is affected by our actions.

Being a parent we should be well conversant with the stress triggers of our offsprings as they vary with age and personality. Every child responds to a situation in its own way. One kid may take a situation very seriously whereas the other may not react at all. Similarly toddlers, adolescents and younger kids face stress triggers differently. Single parents can only help themselves and their children if they know their way well.

Teenagers have complex requirements, which are not easy to meet as a sole parent. Being the only parent you lack the support of your partner. In absence of mothers all girls find their dads inexperienced to deal with their day-to-day problems. Single dads are often blamed for being insensitive, by teenage girls particularly on dating issues. Being a single father you have to make them understand that when you ask to invite her boyfriend home before going out together, itis obviously not an intrusion in her life. Rather it is to know whether it is safe for her going out with that particular person or not. This happens because that dad knows about teenage boys as he was a boy himself once and all dads whether single or not must look after the safety of their daughters. Every now and then curfew becomes an issue but they are to be explained that these check and balances depend upon how dependable she is.

Similarly the relation between teenage sons and their single mums is not without problems. This relation and emotions are at full swing in this relationship. As the boys grow up they usually become taller than their mothers because of the testosterone surge at this age. At the age of 16 boys may be up to 6 ft tall whereas most moms are not. As this happens the boys try to take charge within the house defying their mothers as parent. At this point the mothers need to be determined to keep their dominant rule and exercise their authority. If you are firm you can dictateand command the boys to follow rules. They need to remain in their rooms if they cannot control themselves till the time they are normal again. Similarly it is not advisable and safe for your teenager to drive in an angry mood, this may prove harmful.

When you deal with your child’s emotions as the only parent it may be very tiring but to keep you household peaceful and smooth running you have to explain to your children that it is YOU who is in charge and emotions are part of everyday life but that they have to keep them under control.

Originally posted 2009-11-19 10:55:23. Republished by Old Post Promoter

Tags: Children, Emotions, Parent, Parenting, single, Tackling, Teenage

Single Parents: Are you apprehensive about dating because of your children?

I am. I know there are good and bad in this world. But, I have two pre-teen girls, and I find myself very over-protective of them.

Originally posted 2009-11-25 07:18:27. Republished by Old Post Promoter

Tags: About, apprehensive, because, Children, Dating, parents, single

What are the effects of single parent dating habits on their children?

I have a friend who is a single mom to three boys all under the age of 10. In the last 2 years she has dated 4 men who she fell in love with quickly and made them part of her children’s lives. The boys bonded to each one and then suffered when the relationships ended. I was wondering if there are any good studies or books on the long-term effects of this pattern on the children.

Originally posted 2009-11-26 03:39:50. Republished by Old Post Promoter

Tags: Children, Dating, effects, habits, Parent, single, their

Interracial Dating: Are Children Of Immigrants Doing It Less?

People always talk about the rise in interracial dating and interracial marriages. In fact most studies usually predict that in years to come, more and more people will date and marry interracially.

Katie Xiao is an immigrant from China who has been living in America since she was 4. She has always considered herself to be Americanized. As far as interracial dating is concerned, she has dated White men and Latino men before but the subtle cultural clashes that led to very bad break-ups made her realize how Chinese she is and she now wants to meet an Asian man. She has even started attending events organized for Asian Americans and immigrants to increase her chances.

Recently, Sociologists began studying how children of immigrants in the U.S. will date and marry. Much as the generation of today is more open-minded and open to interracial dating and marriage, contrary to conventional wisdom, scholars have noticed a decline in the rate of interracial marriages among immigrants.

According to Ohio State University sociologist Zhenchao Qian, the numbers fell from 27 to 20 percent for Hispanics and 42 to 33 percent for Asians from 1990 to 2000 – and the downward trend continued through to last year. Apparently, most single immigrants in their 20s and 30s are now turning to cultural events because they suddenly have a yearning to connect with someone they share the same roots with.

Bhavna Pandit a political consultant of Indian descent says much as most people try to rebel against their parents and run away from their traditions, now that she is 29, she cares about her heritage and wants to find an Indian man which has been hard for her since there are very few of them in Capitol Hill.

After following children of immigrants in New York as they navigated adulthood, researchers found that they always struggled with the desire to being open to interracial dating and people of all backgrounds against family expectations and their own desire to sustain their culture. Most of them want to marry someone within their own ethnicity … someone who understands their life story.

Will this threaten interracial dating and interracial marriage in the future?

Tags: Children, Dating, Doing, Immigrants, Interracial, Less

How to Deal With Controlling Children

Controlling your child is a good way of raising em’. Train your child in the good ways that he should go and when he grows up, he will never depart from it. Alot of people whether Christians, Moslems, Pagans etc will agree with this religious inclination while some will call it a bluff with a single wave of a hand. Well bearing children is more easier than raising them.

Rearing a child is not a day job so you can’t go on bearing children if you don’t know how to raise them.

-Why bring a child into this world if you will let him grow to become a terror to his fellow humans.

-Why bear a child you will help to create a monster.(Remember that the worst thing about creating a monster is that one day it will turn against you).

-Why bear a child you will abandon.

-Why bear a child that will point an accusing finger at you and cursed the day he was born.

-Why bear a child that will end up in prison or death sentence.

-Why bear a child that will constantly patronise the rehab center.

-Why bear a child that will be a victim of prostitution.

-Why bear a child that will end up in the streets.

When you ask yourself these questions, then you will find the answer. If you are not ready yet, then don’t bring in that innocent child. Let him/her hang a little while in that angelic world of theirs before bringing him into this corrupt world.

We all know the reasons why things are getting worser by the second, why Terrorism, Prostitution and all kinds of crimes can never stop? WHY?

-Because fathers teach their sons how to kill.

-Because mothers teach their daughters the game of sex.

-Because fathers are hard on their sons in the day and sleeps with their daughters in the night.

-Because mothers are hard on their daughters in the day and flirts with their sons in the night.

-Broken homes.

It all comes to a conclusion that everything starts from the home. Charity begins at home.

When a child becomes bad, the question is always “did he have a good upbringing?”, “what’s his family background?”. But when a child becomes good, the answer is always “the parents did a good job”, “they must be so proud”.

What about your own child? What kind of upbringing are you giving your child?

-Do you work 3 jobs a day that doesn’t give you time to raise your kids?

-Do you travel a lot for your kind of job that you have to leave your kids all the time at the mercy of the nannies?

-Do you have the time but just can’t understand your child?

-Do you blame yourself for spoiling your child due to your excessive pamperness?

-Do you over discipline your child that he/she has ran out of the house twice this month?

-Do you give your child everything he deserves yet he’s not satisfied?

-Are you a single parent and can’t do it all?

-Do you raise the kids alone while your spouse is not helping at all?

-Do you feel like you are not a bad parent but just not a very patient one?

Then take a deep breath and relax. Children are like dogs. Train them well, they will make you proud. Spoil them, they will ruin you. just follow these easy steps.

A)-CONTROL YOUR CHILD’S BEHAVIOUR.

When your child misbehaves, scold him with the right hand and love him with the left hand ( it means don’t over scold him, make him understand you are doing it because you care).

B)-SPARE THE ROD, SPOIL THE CHILD.

Many people has misunderstood this simple but strong phrase, when they say rod doesn’t mean you will get a rod and flog your own child. The rod means discipline. If you don’t discipline your child in a good mannered way, he will get spoiled. Don’t be afraid to punish your child for doing a wrond thing, it’s a way of preparing him to become a better person.

C)-DON’T APOLOGISE UNLESS IT’S NECCESSARY.

A certain young mother flogged her 10 years old son twice on the buttocks for deliberately spilling orange juice on the white couch. The boy slumps down and cried like the world is coming to an end and the next thing you know, the mother practically begs the child to stop crying and apologises for being a bad mother. So every now and then when the child misbehaves and gets punished, he cries to get his way. That’s a bad example of rearing a child.

Meanwhile another young mother flogs her 8years old daughter twice on the palm for urinating on the couch while watching cartoon. The little girl cried and cried and when she saw that her mother was unmoved by her tears. She went upstairs in her room. When the mother notices her absence, she went upstairs and found her daughter under the bed. That touches the mother so she helped her daughter out and apologise for beaten her so hard and explained why she did it. The little girl understood and promised not to wee-wee again on the couch. Now that’s a good way of rearing a child.

When you discipline your child and feel you were off the edge about it, you can apologise. You will only apologise to your child when it’s necessary. Certain apologies can gravitate issues.

D)-COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR CHILD.

Make out time to spend quality time with your child, no matter how tight your schedule. Have a one on one talk with your kid. Learn to feel free to discuss Issues, Sex, Politics with your child. Believe me, there’s a lot you can teach your child while communicating and things you can learn in return. Even if you work 22 hrs a day and only has 2hrs left to rest and get ready for another day, make the best of that 2hrs, spend 30mins with your child and explained to him/her why you need the remaining 1:30 mins to rest. Your child will understand.

E)-BE A GOOD LISTENER.

Don’t ignore your child when he/she is keeping an unusual quietness. Make him/her talk to you and listen to what they have to say even if it doesn’t make much sense… Listen to your child when he/she is complaining, you never know one or two things you can find out about them. Make your child know you are always there to listen to his problems and achievements, in that way your child can always confide in you.

F)-PRETEND TO BE IN YOUR CHILD’S WORLD.

The best way to get in a child’s heart and mind is to get into their world. Don’t be too adult in every situation. You were once like them and you know how it feels back then.

Your teenage daughter fantazise about a certain boy in school. She tells you about it because she wants to know what your reactions are going to be. Don’t give into her doubts about you. Don’t go saying ” Honey, don’t you think you are too young for this type of thing?” C’mon, tell yourself the home truth, when you were at that age you used to fantazise too.. So play along that adolesense age, get into her world and try to ask her question about her feelings for the boy whether it’s Mutual, True love or Just infatuation. When you finish gathering that information then it’s time to play that motherly role and advice her to her best knowledge and the right thing to do. Tell her it’s normal to feel this things and make her understand that she should take control of her feeling and not her feelings take control of her. Tell her the fun, the consequences of these feelings… She will understand and believe me, she will grade you the coolest mother ever. Remember she has friends who will advice her otherwise, so play your role and leave the rest to her. The same rules applies to fathers to their sons.

G)-DON’T BE TOO OVER PROTECTIVE.

No matter how much you love your child and wants to protect him from the clutches of this world, don’t make too much of it or you will get in their last nerves espieciallly when they are reaching that adolesent age… Give them some room. Don’t barge in everything they do, when they are hanging out with friends and when they want to go on a date. Don’t snoop into their private things all the time. It’s only natural for every good parent to find out certain things about their child, what they are up to and the skeleton they got under their sheets but don’t make too much of it; and in case you find unusual thing about your child, don’t go screaming and telling them all the time or else they will keep hiding things from you. Keep it to yourself and watch him/her closely until you are convinced that this is the right time to act.

H)-DON’T BE TOO OVER POSSESIVE.

We know your child belongs to you and you love him so much you can’t imagine letting him out of your sight, but don’t make so much fuss about it. Don’t over possess your child that you can’t give him some room to associate with other adults. There might be one or two good things he can learn from another adult that he cannot learn from you. Let’s admit it, you can’t be perfect in everything.

You are an architect and you don’t know anything about music. Now your child wants to learn music from your doorstep neighbour who happens to be inclined in music and you are saying “NO” and starts to drag issues with your child that you are in the right position to teach him everything. Forget it. Just because your child visits your doorstep neigbour doesn’t mean he love you less. Give your child space to interact with other adults and do your investigation at the backyard (it’s good to know the adult your child is associating with).

The worst thing about spoiling a child is that when you grow old and needs him, he will not be there.. And when you die, he will celebrate.

Tags: Children, Controlling, Deal